“A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armour so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:10-12 (NLT)

This question to me from Madison comes from an experience I had recently that I shared with her.

A few months ago I woke up around 4:30 am. Now, this is not unusual, and typically I will fall asleep within 5 minutes. However, this time I could not fall asleep. And as I lay there, I heard: “Go and pray”. Now, I didn’t want to pray, I wanted to sleep. I could pray in the morning. And so I continued to try and sleep, and yet, repeatedly I heard: “Go and pray”.

And so I left the comfort of my bed, went to the basement, and for the next hour and a half I prayed. And prayer flowed so naturally during this time. I prayed for my family, our church, and situations in the country and around the world that came to mind. I just prayed out of obedience.

I’m not sure what the results were from my prayers, that’s not for me to know, my prompting was to pray.

So, what does this mean? What are my thoughts in this sphere? I do enjoy praying. I pray with a number of groups throughout the week, when I walk to work I pray and in my journal I often am led to pray and so I write them out. During our weekend services we invite people to come forward for prayer which I can only describe as a sacred moment. Yet this middle of the night prompting was new for me, and interestingly it has happened a few times since then.

What does it mean to battle against “evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world?”

There are different experiences that I have seen Christians have regarding this. Some will lean to living life as though the “unseen powers” really don’t exist and have little influence on our lives, they seem afraid to even talk about it. On the other extreme, I have engaged with people who are actively looking for “unseen powers”, finding evil in the most interesting locations – one person even shared with me that as he walked into our church he saw Satan as a large grasshopper sitting in our sanctuary, it was so powerful that he couldn’t even enter for the service (he has since left the church claiming that we no longer are following God).

How do I know when it is God speaking, when I am battling “unseen powers” or when it was simply me making stupid decisions and am suffering the consequences?

I recently experienced a trying time when I received several very negative emails about my leadership and ability to properly teach scripture, that I was incapable of being a Lead Pastor. When you receive this type of feedback, it doesn’t matter sometimes that other people are encouraging you, it can take your legs out from under you.

As I wrestled with this, and even invited these people into a conversation (which they avoided – another blog perhaps), I asked God to speak to me, I needed to know what the truth was. And then, over the next several weeks, I received a number of positive comments about my leadership from people in the church, more than typical. These were encouraging for sure. But was this God, or was I simply looking for whatever I could get to feel validated?

And then, I received a phone call from someone that I haven’t spoken with for a long time and who would have had no idea that this was taking place; they live in another province. They had been in prayer, and God gave them a vision that included me standing in our church sanctuary and there was a deep sense of conflict and negativity. As this person pondered the vision, they told me that they felt God wanted to tell me that he was pleased with me and that he was aware of my situation, but to press on. Any negativity or pressure that was around me was not of God.

As we finished the call, this person said that they had no idea if these comments made any sense to me, they were simply being obedient to share what they had heard.

How do we live with a full awareness of evil forces in the “heavenly realm” that have a direct influence on our lives while at the same time there are angelic forces that are counteracting these evil forces? What role are we to play in counteracting the evil forces? What does it take for us to be fully present in the physical realm while at the same time fully aware of the heavenly realm?

I don’t have a simple three-point answer to these ponderings. I am fully aware of and accept the heavenly battle that is taking place. I seek God continually, asking him to reveal to me what I need to know for what he has called me to do for his kingdom. I am hearing him prompt me to pray in new ways, even calling me to fast for days before significant services at our church such as Christmas and Easter. Part of me would like to actually see what is taking place in the heavenly realm, and yet, even in scripture, the curtain is only pulled back a few times. And perhaps it is best that I can’t see it all, it might even confuse me.

My call is obedience. God will speak when he chooses to speak. He will reveal what he chooses to reveal. I will do my best to be faithful.

For the kingdom.

Well, we’re kicking off this journey of dad and I asking each other questions to blog about with a topic that I’ve always wrestled with – vulnerability. Sometimes I’m convinced vulnerability and I mix as well as water and oil, even if I logically know that it responds more like honey in tea.

If and when I ever express the struggles in my inner being, I sometimes leave the conversation with whomever feeling worse off.

“They probably think I’m overreacting; that I should just get over it.”

“You’re so weak.”

“In two days’ time I’m going to be feeling back to normal, why couldn’t you just persevere until then – you know feelings are fleeting anyway.”

I rationalize all my thoughts and feelings, categorizing and understanding them using my psychology background. Everything I do and all that I feel can be explained, and as long as I can explain it, then I can “get over it”. And sometimes that does work. Sometimes my reactions are self-centered and ridiculous, and I need to give myself a quick kick in the butt – and then make sure no one finds out because if they did, they would see me as lesser; as incapable; as weak.

And I know these thoughts are ridiculous.

But if I’m being completely honest, I put the same standards on myself that I put on others – and it’s unfortunately quite high. I’ve thought of people as incapable and weak because what they were feeling was so out there and illogical. I judged them for what they were experiencing, and I had the audacity to not even try to understand where they were coming from. So naturally, I gave myself the same standards, believing that if I failed to meet them, others were going to think the same about me that I thought about them.

I arrived home about two weeks ago from living in Germany for half a year attending a Bible College. There were 110 students there and we lived, worked, studied, church-ed, ate, and grew together. You can’t hide in that kind of environment. We talked a lot about being open with each other, but also how to be the one listening to someone else share their inner state of being. The staff were intentional about creating a culture that was safe for authenticity. Some of my fellow students also modelled vulnerability extremely well for me. They would be raw with what they were experiencing, and because they were, I felt like I could also share things with them even if the thoughts were considered irrational (by my standards). The craziest thing happened because of it – we would get closer. And I found myself relating to many of the things people shared. I finally began to understand the importance of vulnerability, and realized that I needed to edit my standards for people because they were so off. And with that edit, came a transformation in how I viewed myself. Grace flowed more freely. I felt more freedom.

Now I’m home. And to be completely transparent, I’ve struggled to transfer over the new found appreciation for vulnerability. I think it’s because it feels less safe. Or maybe it’s because I’m back in the place where I used to be more critical of people’s vulnerability; where I put my standards for others on myself. I can’t put my finger on it yet, but I still try to force out my thought process to certain people to make sure I don’t fall back into the wrong way of thinking.

I used to hate any sort of writing on vulnerability and authenticity because it felt like I always had to have something wrong going on that I needed to share. I’m a pretty optimistic, happy person, so I often felt like I had nothing to offer. But vulnerability is more than inner struggles and darkness. It can also be sharing passions and dreams, both of which expose your heart. Anything that reveals your heart puts people at liberty to destroy or downplay the things that mean the most to you – and that can be some of the most damaging work another person could do to you. I’ve been in situations where I was overwhelmed with conviction to do something, and when I shared it with someone else, they basically shut it down. It had me questioning the inner urgency I was feeling, but I also lost a bit of trust in that person and was more hesitant to share things with them in the future. Reflecting on these experiences helps me handle people’s hearts with more care and intention.

Well, there’s nothing like writing a blog about vulnerability to get me to be vulnerable. And now that you know some of the hidden darkness inside me, do you dare begin to follow this journey with us?