What is the purpose of a discipling relationship? What are you trying to accomplish? What topics should be discussed? What should be the focus of the training and the conversation?

A mentor of mine would always say to me: “People have felt needs and they have unfelt needs. Acknowledge the felt needs, but make sure you focus on the unfelt needs.”

Far too often I see groups gathering together to focus on their felt needs. They want to discuss the latest book that’s covering a trendy topic or listen to the latest DVD from a favourite speaker who stirs up their passion and emotions. They want to discuss issues relating to marriage or parenting or finances. All of these things may be good at certain times and have their place. You may even incorporate some aspects of these in the discipling process. But I want to argue that this is not discipleship. This is not your purpose or focus if your desire to lead others in the path of discipleship.

John Ortberg, an author and speaker that I have appreciated, makes a comment with respect to some research that he was part of related to maturing Christians. He says that as a person matures in their faith in Jesus, they naturally gravitate to church programs less and less because they have figured out how to feed themselves spiritually. They don’t chase after trendy topics or the latest seminar, because they are being fed in the daily, weekly, monthly and yearly disciplines that they have developed for themselves and their spiritual health. As a result of these disciplines, they naturally know how to draw on the necessary resources to ensure strong relationships, to have financial integrity and to maintain a strong faith regardless of what life throws at them.

This is your role as a disciple-maker. You are helping others to develop life disciplines, habits and routines that will enable them to have the wherewithal to know what it takes to sustain themselves. They will know that they need regular biblical input, and they will do it. They will know that they need regular times of prayer, both by themselves and with others, and they will do it. They will know that they can’t do life alone, that they need others around them, and they will do it. They will know they have God-given gifts to serve the church and their community for the sake of the Kingdom of God, and they will do it. They will know that the Holy Spirit can and will speak to them in unique ways, and they will listen.

They won’t need prodding, coaxing or cajoling. They won’t need to be revved up every week at the service to gas them up for the next 7 days. They won’t need to find trendier and trendier topics and conversations to engage in.

They will be disciples. They will be followers of Jesus. You will become less important in their lives, Jesus will become more important. That is your focus, that is your purpose. Don’t let anyone allow you to get off track with the latest and the greatest. Make disciples. Period.

As you engage in the discipling process, take note of the conversations that are taking place. Over the years I’ve discovered a couple of different types of conversations that are a distraction and that seldom lead to any life change. It is important that you address these for the benefit of everyone.

 

“They” Syndrome People – These are people who generally talk about the world at large, they talk about how “people” do this or that, and can’t seem to or don’t want to make it applicable for themselves. If you are talking about sin, they might say that “people don’t want to admit when they are wrong” or “I have an uncle who …”, seldom can they look at themselves and name a sin that they struggle with. If you are talking about the importance of scripture they might say that “it is important that people the bible, and the church should use the bible more during services” but won’t talk about the practicalities of their own experience reading scripture and what they need to do next in order to make it a reality in their lives. Unless there is applicability for someone’s life that they can articulate, there can’t be life change. I need to “take the plank out of my own eye, and then I’ll see clearly to remove the speck from my brother’s eye.” Matthew 7

Off topic People – These people always have another conversation they want to engage in, seldom the topic that is on the agenda. At times it seems as though they feel smart by bringing up other questions that they are thinking about or that they heard someone else engaging in. And yet, as the leader, you are taking people on a journey of growth, and constantly being distracted by random questions will never fulfill the greater purpose. In no way am I saying to ignore the questions that people have about life issues they are working through, yet perhaps these questions will get answered over time as they enter into the discipling relationship. I’ve found that the “off topic” questions people ask are seldom that pressing that they can’t wait for them to be answered. Often times, as their relationship with Jesus grows, these questions become less important and often irrelevant. And honestly, continually taking rabbit trails based on the whims of someone’s questions seldom leads to long term growth.

My father tells the story of a friend he went to bible school with. This friend always had another agenda. When the class was studying Ephesians, his friend spent his time studying Isaiah, when the class looked at church history, he was distracted by apologetics. Needless to say, he never did graduate and has never gained any traction in life.

At some point, those you are leading will need to trust you and the journey you are taking them on. If they have another agenda to pursue, perhaps connecting with you isn’t the right thing for them.