Matthew’s Question to Madison: What are your reflections on receiving feedback from others?

This week we’re flipping my last blog question from how I’m learning to give feedback, to how I actually receive feedback.

My reflections are not clear cut since receiving feedback from others really depends on who it’s coming from, the context of the conversation, and whether or not I honestly agree with what they’re saying.

Let’s explore a few scenarios – maybe you’ll relate.

Scenario #1: Feedback from Random People

Random people could mean an acquaintance, someone who’s temporarily served in a ministry area I’m involved with, or someone I’ve barely interacted with. I quite often do not soak in their comments. I’ll hear it out, and if it’s valid, I’ll keep it in mind, but I also understand that they won’t know the broader context that their opinions are directed towards. For the sake of my own well-being and for my ministry, I simply cannot whole-heartedly take feedback from people who don’t know me well, or the ministry well.

Scenario #2: Feedback from a Student

Since my job revolves around kids and youth, I have had students approach me before with feedback on how something was done, or how I’ve acted. Some have been bold moves, I must say, but often it’s an innocent comment that just comes through conversation. These moments I listen very carefully to, especially when it comes to programming or how to better lead them. I desire to serve them where they’re at, so I’ll hold what they say and compare it with what I know of the larger picture. Sometimes that means asking for clarity, making a change, or providing them with a perspective they may not have considered. But more often than not, I will always graciously accept comments from students.

Scenario #3: Feedback from a Co-Worker or Supervisor

This one I take much more to heart. I’m very cognizant of the fact that each of my co-workers have an incredible amount of experience and wisdom, and I trust their observations. Admittedly, I’m someone who hates letting down those I deeply respect – it doesn’t matter if I dropped a penny or an enormous elephant, I’ll feel it. In the moments of receiving feedback from any one of them, I’m much more silent in the moment and feel a weight of my actions. After sitting in the discomfort and reflecting on their words, I’m always grateful for the learning, and even more grateful for their model of grace.

I will also say that if my co-workers were not who they were, I’d respond very differently. I’ve had professors and teachers who I did not have a great amount of respect for, and any feedback from them was immediately thrown out. The truth is responded best in love, and if I don’t believe that the person has the best intentions in mind (not just in the moment, but through all interactions), I won’t give the truth the time of day – even if it was truthful.

Scenario #4: Feedback from friends and family

These feedback conversations are the most conversational, from my observations. Friends and family are a different kind of relationship, and with the many moments shared, I sometimes crave their feedback. There have been many times I’ve specifically gone to one of them and asked them for feedback. What are they observing in me and how I treat others? How can they help me draw closer to God through what they see? Many of them know me better than anyone else – especially those who understand the personality lingo of Myers Briggs or the Enneagram, since those bring a deeper level of awareness of how I’m wired.

A little insight into how I function, which some of you may understand from personal experience. I’m naturally a “by works” person. I have unconsciously believed that my value as a person comes from what I did and how I did it. Whenever I’ve had criticism about an assignment, project, event, or something else, I have always taken it incredibly hard – because it felt like an attack on who I was.

Let’s just say God’s had His work cut out for Him! But the more my identity is in who He is, and who I believe I am because of that, the easier feedback is to receive, no matter who the person is. Some instances the feedback from the individual are words that God uses to transform me from the inside out. It is also much easier to apologize and freely admit wrong doing. I’m a flawed human and that will never change on this side of heaven, but I’m saved by grace and grace alone. That is a truth I can live in.

Madison’s Question to Matthew: How has going through a 360 Degree personal review impacted you?

I recently embraced a 360-degree personal review. This came about as a result of a coaching conversation and some things I was processing regarding my leadership of the team that I lead. I was seeking to understand how my engagement was and was not working in some specific circumstances. And since I have been through a 360 review in the past on two separate occasions, I felt that it would be a good process to go through to give me some clarity.

First, it would be good to describe the process to give you context for this review.

The process involved having 20 people provide feedback in a number of categories: spiritual practices, personal leadership, leadership of others, visioning and facilitating change, organizational alignment and health, and finally emotional-social response – and in each category there were 5 questions to respond to. Among these 20 people were four elders of our church, four people who report to me, 6 other staff members and 6 key people who regularly engage with me in various areas of my leadership. As you can determine, the perspectives were varied and robust. These people not only gave me a rating on a scale of 1-10, but under each category they were asked to provide comments, describing 1-2 of my strengths and providing 1-2 things to help me improve and mature in this area.

I can say that the comments are the most meaningful in the process since they give context to the number ratings people are giving me.

I read through the report on three separate occasions and had 2 one hour coaching conversations to ensure that I was understanding what was said and how I can move forward to improve my leadership practices and mindset.

Further context is important – as mentioned I have completed a 360 review on two other occasions, and I can say that this third version was the most helpful in that I was better able to absorb the comments as they were intended. I can still recall the first time I received a review 10 years ago. I was unsure as to how I was to receive the straightforward feedback. It took me 2 days to regain my inner composure and come to the realization that what I had received was actually a gift. I now knew how people perceived me and I could move forward to truly make changes to my life. Without the review I would never know because, for the most part, we don’t know how to be honest with each other about how our words and actions are interpreted.

With this current review I was able to receive it for what it is – honest feedback about my leadership. I was able to embrace the positive things that people wanted me to hear (and there were some amazing things said that I wasn’t fully aware of), and I was able to hear about the areas where I am missing the mark, where my words and actions are not allowing people to thrive.

Over the past few weeks, as people have asked me about the journey, the one thing that I have been able to describe the process as is that it has enhanced my peripheral vision.

I am who I am. My personality is what it is. My passions and interests are consistent and the framework in which I see people and the world around me is fairly stable. I am who I am and you are who you are.

And yet, in this, I still must ensure that I am working to see the world from other people’s eyes. That I must reaffirm and recognize that my methods to move something forward are not the only methods, and that in fact, my ways may work for some, but will completely frustrate others.

This 360 once again helped me to see more broadly. It moved my narrow way of seeing and interpreting things (yes, we are all narrow in our thinking, we just don’t admit it that readily), and widened my view, my peripheral vision if you will.

It reminded me again of a few themes in my way of engagement that continue to be an encouragement and a frustration to those around me.

First, my pace of life and implementation of change – as much as people are excited about the changes that we have been able to embrace for the sake of the church, the pace at which we introduce them, the way we bring people along, the means of communicating these changes and ensuring the processes and structures are in place for longevity continue to be areas that I must lean into.

Second, the way I give feedback. From a positive perspective, I do give feedback and people appreciate knowing where I stand. Yet, the way I provide it, the time I provide it and my curiosity to first understand the individual’s perspective and life circumstance have been lacking a times. My words can cut and maim people – unintended on my part, yet I am not fully aware.

There are other aspects that I could expound on and I will continue to ponder my learning. In this, however, my desire is that we all find ways to both receive and give feedback. That we don’t shy away from the realities of who we are and who we are being called to become. As followers of Jesus, we should be leading the way in this, it is a key aspect of our discipleship. May this be our reality.

For the kingdom.