We’re all afraid of something – it’s a pretty normal human reaction. There’s even a part of our brains that is like the homebase to fear. The amygdala is like the emotional control center, with a greater emphasis on the emotion of fear, and then communicates with the rest of the brain to prepare for action. So let’s say for example a spider descends down a string of its web in front of my face. My eyes take in all the shapes and colours in front of me, and my brain categorizes it as ‘spider’. My brain also knows that spiders are to be feared (my brain does, others might like spiders), and they’re usually armed and dangerous. My amygdala lights up like a fireball, and rapidly fires a message to my hypothalamus and nervous system. Everything stops except the fight-flight-or-freeze reaction – in this scenario, it’s usually flight. My pupils widen, a bead of sweat might roll out of my temple, my heart pumps faster, my digestive system takes a pause so all resources can go towards fleeing from the danger zone. Once safety has been accomplished, all systems calm down, and resume normal activity.

I wouldn’t consider myself a fearful person, but put a spider in my face and I might punch you (except when I’m around kids, then somehow I muster up enough bravery to bludgeon the black ball of disgustingness to death. No regrets). There are others things I’m afraid of, like free falling, drowning, and swimming with fish, but that is most definitely not what my dad asked me to write about when he posed the question, “What do you fear?”. I’m also now convinced he wants all of my vulnerabilities to be put on the table considering that two of the three blogs I’ve written thus far cause me to be really transparent – what have I gotten myself into!

But in all seriousness, what do I fear?

The very first thing that popped into my head was not what I was expecting, but I’m hoping that as I write God will reveal to me things I don’t even fully know about myself. Welcome to the journey of my writing process.

So here is it: I fear that I’m never doing enough.

It’s funny because there’s an article that talks about the one-liner for each Myers Briggs type, and for mine it says, and I quote, “Get off your a** and do something”. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve thought that towards someone else, and even to myself. I live in this constant state of urgency, knowing that my actions have the power to influence lives. I’ve heard enough stories about people growing up without a supportive person, and the opposite of that, to know that simple acts of being present in people’s lives can change everything. I’m constantly thinking of ways to create spaces for the next generation to have a place to recognize their God-given potential (so they can go and do something), and to have a support system of people who love them dearly and see them for who – and Whose – they truly are rather that who the world tells them they are.

This is great and all, and I will forever be striving to act on this passion that God has put on my heart, BUT where it becomes an unhealthy fear is when (1) I carry the burden on my own, convincing myself that I’m the only one in the world to do such a task, and (2) I think I have to do so much to earn my own salvation.

The first point can be explained by a brief emotional breakdown I had a year ago. I had worked myself into the ground with full time schooling, ministry work part time, and volunteering, and all this included trying to pour into all the students I worked with directly – taking them out for coffee, going to their sports games, etc. And then mix in family time, and a social life. My go-go-go normal self became extremely introverted and could no longer function in the world. Thankfully this was only a brief time, knowing that there are many people who have had hard burnout periods, but it proved to be a valuable lesson for me. I don’t have to do everything for everyone. And when I say no to something or someone, I’m not a complete failure at life.

Now for the second point. I’ve always wrestled with the contradicting verses, “It’s only by faith that you’ve been saved” and “Faith without deeds is dead”. Whether consciously or unconsciously, I put heavier weight on the latter. I discovered this year that I believed I had to work for me faith – I had to keep doing things to keep God happy, and make sure He knew that I wanted to actively live for Him. When your subconscious believes that you will only be saved through doing everything possible in this world, the motivation is fear. But maybe that active faith doesn’t mean a literal run? Maybe an active faith means pursue Me; follow Me; let Me do the work.

This is a hard reality for me to learn. My whole being lives actively, and I will forever be willing to call people out of excuses to have a faith that is more literally active, BUT for me I need the constant reminder that the motivation behind my actions can’t be fear. It needs to be based on a love that only comes from the Father, and a faith that let’s God lead the way.

Over the years, Madison and I have talked a lot about being creative – doing whatever it takes to put our minds into a space that allows us to think differently and solve problems. We have had some interesting discussions about what we both do to inspire creativity in our lives.

Recently, on a long drive to Boston, we chatted about the little things we do that spark our creativity. Some may seem rather strange, and yet they are things that work for each of us.

In this blog, I simply want to let you know what works for me. Please don’t laugh or judge me, they just work.

Crabby Joe’s and Nachos

I have spent more evenings than I could ever count sitting in the bar area at Crabby Joe’s after 9 pm (1/2 price apps) eating a plate of veggie nachos with my notebook mapping out a strategy, creating a seminar, developing a message or solving a problem. Amidst the noise and the numerous televisions broadcasting sporting events, my mind is able to move into a space that allows me to creatively see things.

Pens and Pencils

What I write with matters. It might not for you, but it does for me. From time to time we’ll receive a promotional pen at work with our church’s name printed on it. It is an attempt to get us to purchase 100 or more pens for the church. Whenever they come, the front office team knows to bring it to me. My eyes light up as I open the package and start to use it. It sparks creativity in me as embrace the uniqueness of that particular pen.

I recently took a walk down Dundas Street in downtown Toronto where I came across a boutique pen, pencil and writing paper store. As I walked in my pulse increased as I surveyed the beauty of it all. After 20 minutes of wandering and picking up the numerous writing instruments, I purchased a refillable pencil with a thick lead insert for $20. Sure, I can get a pencil for pennies on the dollar, yet every time I pick up this particular pencil and start to write or draw, something happens to me mentally that sparks creativity – I smile and come alive.

Glass Boards

In my office are two large glass boards – each at least 4 feet by 5 feet. Everyday they are used to write, draw and engage in many areas of conversation. I often use them myself. I walk between both of them, making notes, drawing pictures, and charting strategy. As I pace my office and stand back and review what I have written, my energy increases, my brain engages, and creative thought flows.

Coffee Shops

Not just any coffee shop. The design of the space is important. Typically, the Starbucks near our home, but other unique shops have also worked. Some would argue that the drinks in these places are too expensive, that you don’t get the value from what you pay. And yet, how can you put a price on creative thought? Is paying an extra $2 for a latte worth the two hours I’ll spend there as I allow creative thought to flow freely? As I watch the other patrons engage in animated conversation or students pouring over notes for an upcoming exam – so creative.

Journals

I have been a journal keeper for decades. At least 4 times a week I will fill two pages with thoughts and ponderings, with prayers and scriptural insight. However, not just any journal will do. Sure, I could go to a dollar store and get something inexpensive, and from a sheer writing perspective, it would be fine, the ink would flow and my thoughts would be recorded. Yet, not my best thoughts. For me, the style of journal is an integral aspect of the journey of writing creatively. In certain stores I frequent, I know that they will often have journals available, a constant selection that would change each week. These have been great. However lately, I have gone to some unique leather-bound journals with 100% cotton paper. The cost has increased. And yet, every time I unwind the leather strap the wraps around the journal, my mind changes, and I am released into a space that for me is more meaningful than other “basic” journals.

University or College Campuses

Does anything represent creative thought more than an institution of higher learning? I know that for many, these schools only represent the agony of a past life of study, one they would like to forget. For others, who chose not to attend, they have little meaning at all. And yet for me, to walk or bike through a campus is an amazing experience. To have lunch in a campus setting or to enter the library – creativity.

Jazz Music

Is there anything more creative than jazz music? The drums, sax solo, piano improv – amazing. And although I don’t understand the nuances of jazz, it does something for me, it sparks creativity. I know that jazz music is only truly enjoyed by a very small percentage of the population and so for most, this is a non-starter. But for me – bring it on. (I am listening to jazz as I write this).

I’m not sure what you need to do to enjoy creative thought. I know that many books have been written on the topic that insist that they can guide you on a creative journey, to bring the best out of you. And yet, I think you would agree, bringing out the best creative elements of your life are so specific to you – a walk through a forest, a drive in the car, certain types of music, all evoke creative juices that you just can’t explain, yet you know they do something for you.

So, stop, and reflect. What does it for you? And then, enter into those moments or scenarios, and let the creativity flow. The world needs the best of you.

For the kingdom.