Matthew’s Question to Madison: You have mentioned a desire to be mentored. Describe that person as best you can, and how you believe that relationship could go? What topics would you like to engage with them?

Mentorship is one of those topics that the majority of people would agree is a valuable thing – and many have experienced the fruit of ‘having a mentor’. If you Google ‘mentoring’, you’ll discover lots of articles about the importance of it, and some stats indicating the positive outcomes of it.

“Mentoring creates meaningful connections that can positively impact the lives of both mentor and mentee. Those who receive mentorship are more likely to see improved academic, social, and economic prospects. Those who mentor are able to further build important leadership, management, and creative skills, while giving back to their community” (MENTOR: The National Mentoring Partnership)

Mentoring is a beautiful thing. It’s relationship building and accountability led by someone with a certain skill or more life experience. It’s the sharing of passions and learnings, and both parties grow in significant ways.

Discipleship takes mentorship one step deeper and includes the spiritual component. The purpose is to grow together to become more and more like Jesus through Scripture studies and prayer, while implementing the learnings in all areas of life.

For myself, I have a handful of people that I would consider ‘mentors’ in an informal way; and I have another handful of friendships that are rooted with the same purpose as discipleship that is also in an informal environment. And I love that!

Yet, I’ve always wanted someone that would disciple me in a more formal, structured way.

“So go get one,” you may be saying to the screen.

I have unfortunately found it to be more difficult than I would have expected it to be. Many are fearful of stepping into a ‘discipler’ role, believing they don’t have it all figured out. Others have never been mentored themselves so it becomes a foreign concept to them.

And I do admit that I do have expectations for that relationship which limit the pool of people I’d ask.

Let me express with you what I dream of for a discipling relationship, and maybe that will spur on some understanding of what it could look like – and maybe dispel the fear and hesitation some may have with the idea of being discipled or being the discipler.

1) Active Presence

It’s one thing to talk life, and a whole other thing to do life. I’ve been a youth leader for the past eight years, and my co-leaders and I discovered that our relationships with our girls took on a whole new level when we entered into their lives – watched sports games, attended graduations, took them out for lunch during the school day.

I desire the same thing. It’s harder to have to explain a situation to someone that they’ve never seen for themselves, but if they’ve seen it with their own eyes, there’s an emotional and intellectual understanding that doesn’t have to be explained.

2) Models a Faith-filled Life

Conversations about faith can be much more natural with someone who’s actively living it out on a daily basis. What are you reading in Scripture? What situations did you encounter that you caught yourself applying Christ-like characteristics? Where did you see God move? How has God answered a prayer?

I never want my spiritual life to become stagnant. But reflecting on the times it has, I notice that in those moments I was starved of faith-filled conversations with others that led to accountability, new thoughts and ideas, and positive emotional kindling.

3) Speaks Truth

I’m someone who would rather you say to me, “Hey, that was a prideful comment”. I’m a deeply sinful human who wishes with everything she’s got that she could attain perfection. But alas, that will never happen on this side of heaven. For me, having someone call me on a sin is helpful to keep me in check, confess my sins, receive forgiveness, and learn for the next time.

These are comments though that not just anyone could make to me. You need to know my heart and understand my inner workings. “Truth in love” can only come when ‘love’ has been established and received through things like encouragement and an emotional connection. These are all natural results of a discipleship relationships.

4) Common Passions

For myself, I have a heart for the next generation and for at-risk kids and youth. I’ve found that conversations with those who share that same passion and mission focus are natural and life-giving. In a discipleship relationship, I need someone who ‘gets it’ in order to integrate faith into the real life situations I encounter.

Common interests and passions also increase chemistry in the relationship. It allows you to talk about a variety of topics, and maintain interest in one another’s lives. (Might sound odd to say, but truthfully there are some topics I can only handle for so long).

So there you have it – four things that I desire in a discipleship relationship.

Ultimately, someone has to take the initiative to start the relationship – if you’ve been waiting for a nudge to go ask someone, consider this the nudge. Trust that the Holy Spirit has put a name on your heart for a reason.

I personally have also been needing a nudge, so we can go ask together.

Madison’s Question to Matthew: Talk about self-care. What does that mean for you as a go-go-go person, and in your role where your job could literally never stop? What is the importance of it? Advise people who think self-care is just an excuse not to do something.

If this isn’t the question for the ages I don’t know what is. A topic that perhaps people may ponder more as they age than when they are younger. Something that people definitely ponder if they experience burnout or some aspect of mental health decline.

And yet, why should it take issues or a drop in energy to step into the life-giving rhythms of self-care? What would cause someone to move forward in life at an unsustainable pace? I know that I take our car in regularly for an oil change and other ongoing maintenance as I want to get the most out of it – cars cost too much as it is. I see the dentist regularly as well as get a physical from my doctor annually for my physical health.

However, when I think about self-care, I generally think of things a bit more nebulous to grasp. It is more the care for your soul, your heart, the inner self that, if not cared for, will in turn impact every aspect of life – relational, physical, mental and spiritual. It’s the kind of care that won’t necessarily lead to any immediate outcomes, and yet, if neglected over time, will lead to an outcome that is never pretty.

I must admit that I have been quite typical in this area of life. In my 20’s and 30’s, and even into my 40’s, I felt like I was infallible. I had, and still have, a lot of energy. I would live on 5-6 hours of sleep each day. I worked full-time in a paid job, and then engaged in many hours of volunteering, mostly at my church. When I became a pastor at the age of 38, I continued to work my full-time hours at the church, meet with guys in a mentoring capacity outside of work hours, volunteer with non-profits in the city, and I even completed a Masters in Theological Studies and a Doctor of Ministry degree, all the while trying to be the husband and father that my family needed and wanted. People would comment on my pace of life, and yet I knew nothing else, and for the most part enjoyed what I was doing so why change – it wasn’t a fast pace from what I could see. And I wasn’t going strong to impress anyone or meet an unfulfilled need as far as I could tell, I just lived as I thought I should, and could, and wanted to.

Interestingly, in the midst of all of this, I was and continue to be someone who reflects. It comes out of my ongoing discipline of journaling that I embraced as a habit back in university through reading the book “Ordering Your Private World”. As I journal, I typically reflect on the previous day and at times the previous weeks and months. I am also an honest reflector. If I am experiencing stress, I attempt to write out the reasons why I believe I am experiencing this. If I am sad, if I am angry, if I am experiencing greater joy than normal, I try to reflect on this to understand the underlying reasons.

Through this reflection and some self-imposed (and slightly accidental) times of removing myself from the mainstream of life in the past number of years, what I have discovered is that my brain needs rest. My brain needs down time. My brain needs to reset and the only way that this can happen is through non-focused times, through stepping away, through literal boredom. Now, for someone who is on the go, both physically and mentally, this has been revelatory (for some reading this post this is not revelatory at all, and I have since read much on this, however, we are all on a journey).

In reality, I have engaged in many aspects of what I think of as self-care. This has included spiritual formation rhythms (journaling in particular I find is great for self-care as you can fix what you don’t admit to), engaging in groups where I am accountable, having mentors build into my life, seeking forgiveness when I wrong someone and forgiving others who “trespass against me”. These are all good for the soul and keep you balanced.

And yet, as I have engaged in the act of boredom, I have been pleasantly surprised at the amazing impact that this has had on my very soul.

And as I have engaged with boredom, I have begun to see the scriptures that speak to this in ways that I was never able to fully grasp before. The rhythms of life that God put in place for the Israelite nation are mind-blowing if you read them for what they were. Sure, we talk about rest every seven days (which most of us really never experience), and yet God also had festivals that they were of enjoy, week long festivals – leave your everyday life for an entire week and just hang out. Additionally, every seven years they were to leave the land fallow, to do no work for a year and simply trust that God would provide with whatever the land produced – a year of boredom if you will. (The Israelites never did embrace this one so God eventually sent them into exile for 70 years to make up for the missed years of Sabbath rest.)

I don’t fully get this self-care thing right all the time. I continue to have seasons that I push through far more hours of work than is probably beneficial long term. And yet I am establishing new rhythms.

For the past few years Jan and I have gotten away to a cottage in the cold of January. What do we do? Not much. We sleep every afternoon. We read books. We go for walks. We make a puzzle. We get bored. And it’s all good.

Saturday mornings for me have become more of a time to simply be. To have no to-do lists. To go for a long walk, a bike ride. No responsibilities.

I have learned to trust the long-term benefits of this way of life. I won’t get immediate results from a week of nothingness. And yet, I believe the research, I believe the scriptural mandate, and I am seeing the longer term benefits the more I embrace this. It something that I want to continue to lean into.

May these thoughts cause you to ponder the rhythms of your life. And may you make the important decisions to embrace the cadence of self-care.

For the kingdom.