Madison’s question to Matthew: There have been many people who have been hurt by the Church. How would you advise someone who is talking to someone hurt by the church? What encouragement would you give to the person who has been hurt by the church?

I must first set the stage for my answer to this question by looking at my own church experiences. My earliest memories were of life at Grantham Mennonite Brethren Church in St. Catharines until the age of 14. I wasn’t that keen about attending Sunday service (boring for a young guy), however boys club during the week and youth group were very positive. In grade 9 we moved to another church where my father became the pastor of a 1-year-old church plant – although he continued to be a High School Vice Principle. This was also an amazing community where I was baptized and enjoyed some great youth group experiences. When I got married and moved to Guelph, Janice and I were involved at Lakeside Bible Church where Jan enjoyed serving in the kid’s ministry and I enjoyed both music and men’s ministry while engaging in my banking career. I am now a pastor in London for the past 15 years, and although we have had some ebbs and flows over these years, it has been meaningful and both of my children were positively influenced in their faith.

So for me to answer this question I can only do so from listening to others, observing from afar and speaking with other church leaders.

I truly do believe that there are churches who have been, and continue to be, led poorly. Church leaders are too controlling and treat members in less than stellar ways. I am often saddened when I hear the stories and speak directly to those who have been so poorly treated. For the most part, I have discovered that church leadership who hurt members are attempting to maintain control of how people look and act externally and miss out on the life-long heart transformation that we are all a part of.

On the other side, I have seen some people blame a local church for hurting them when in fact they simply didn’t get their way in something and dealt with it poorly. Their disappointment and perhaps at times lack of emotional intelligence made them lash out in poor ways and as they leave they blame that particular church for hurting them instead of looking in the mirror.

All that being said, people will have legitimate reasons for churches hurting them more often than I’d like to hear. So, how do we deal with this?

First, if you are speaking with someone who says that the church has hurt them, listen. Hear their story and ask questions to understand fully. Sometimes it is painful to hear the whole story, at times you may not believe all that you are hearing – that’s okay. Just listen and acknowledge that they feel pain from the experience – it is their reality.

Second, it is important for them to consider that it was a person, or persons who hurt them, not the church itself. Many of us, myself included, tend to move up a level or two in blame, perhaps it makes us/me feel good. For example, if a particular employee at a call centre engages with me in a poor way, I am just as likely to blame the entire company even though it was specifically that person who treated me poorly. Why do we/I do this? I wish I knew so that I could deal with it in my own life in better ways.

Third, as followers of Jesus, we are always called to reconciliation. I have seen this happen in such beautiful ways. As much as it depends on us, and as much as we feel safe to do it, we are to reach back to resolve things. Whenever someone comes to our church from another church, if the conversation allows it, I ask them if they left well. I ask them to not simply slip out the back door but to explain to the church leadership why they have chosen to leave that local church. If there has been hurt or disappointment, this can be trickier for sure. In those circumstances I do my best to listen to what took place and offer whatever counsel I can as they seek to find healing.

If you are someone who has been hurt by a local church, as a pastor, I want to apologize to you. I don’t know your circumstances, I don’t know exactly what took place, but I do want you to know that it does hurt me to know you’ve been hurt.

Please don’t give up on the local church. Please don’t declare all churches are bad and go out and live faith in Jesus on your own. It may take a season of stepping away to find some healing, I get that. And yet, we are called to embrace each other as followers of Jesus, to live in community. We are called to forgive and the accept forgiveness. These are challenging aspects of our faith to embrace at times, particularly when those in leadership of a local church act in ways that cause pain.

It is my prayer that you would find healing, that you would once again experience community with other followers of Jesus, and that your love for the Church would never fade.

For the kingdom.

Matthew’s Question to Madison: How have your grandparents impacted your life?

I’ve been reading a book called “Switch on Your Brain: The Key to Peak Happiness, Thinking, and Health”. In one of the chapters, Dr Caroline Leaf, the author, states, “Science has demonstrated how the thought networks pass through the sperm and the ova via DNA to the next four generations”. The next FOUR generations! That means that how I think, which impacts how I act, will influence my great grandchildren. What a responsibility! That also means that the way I think and act today is influenced by the way my great grandparents thought and acted.

Now, this can be both positive and negative. Sometimes the legacies of our ancestors are not so great, and we can feel stuck in that loop. Thankfully, God has designed our brains in such a way that we can have the power to change those negative ways of thinking and acting.

But as I think about my own life, I am abundantly thankful for grandparents that have lived a legacy where the fruit of it is seen in their kids and grandkids (and now there are little great grandkids). Though I never met any of my great grandparents, I can know they lived faithful and life-giving lives by the way my grandparents live.

I have a great appreciation for all four of my grandparents. I’m realizing that to have had all four grandparents being involved in my life (and my cousins lives) is rare. All four of them are still here on earth, and though I don’t live in the same city as any of them, I see them quite often because of the initiative to be present in each other’s lives.

So what makes them so special? Please enjoy this open letter to my grandparents:

 

Dear Grandma, Grandpa, Grams, and Papa,

Just in case I don’t tell you enough, I appreciate and love you all! The way you all live your lives is astounding, and I’m am a gushing and grateful granddaughter. I have learned a lot from growing up in your homes and in your family.

Thank you for continuously and steadily living out your faith. I have images ingrained in my mind of waking up and seeing Grams on the ‘chesterfield’ reading her Bible; of hearing Papa talk about his guy’s groups that he leads and what he’s learning from the study; of Grandma talking about their life group from church; and of Grandpa always having a pulse on their church because he deeply loves God’s Church. Because of your deep loves for the Lord, all of your grandkids also love the Lord – what a legacy!

Thank you for your marriages. My heart warms when Grandma giddily tells me that Grandpa called her beautiful the other day! The fact that your marriages are strong, and your love is deep, sets up my own expectations for marriage – I can only dream of being that in love after decades of marriage. Thank you for telling me that you pray for my future marriage. For me, that means that you cherish your marriages in such a profound way that you want me to experience what you’ve experienced. What a beautiful thing for me to witness.

Thank you for how you parent and grandparent. Your whole families ADORE each of you. You are intentional with each of us, and it is so obvious that you love us back by the way you talk and act. You provide a feeling of home, complete with delicious food (recipes and traditions I hope to carry on). I cherish your hugs, listening ears, and words of encouragement (including all the grandkids being told they’re perfect – because that’s what doting grandparents say). I always feel supported, and I like that I have four extra cheerleaders – that is such a special feeling for me.

Thank you for modeling being involved. None of you sit back as passive participants. Papa, it seems like you know everyone, and everyone loves you. It’s admirable that you still do life on life with guys today, investing time and energy into them. Grams, I love that you started tutoring even though you’re retired from teaching. You didn’t put your gifts on the shelf to get dusty, but you’re using it to empower the next generation. Grandpa, you still do tours, and are well known at your church. You have taught me humble generosity, and faithful obedience. Grandma, you are often called the glue to our family – our family relationships would not be where they are without you. Your intentionality with your family extends further to others, and we still laugh at the number of parties you go to because you just love being with others.

I’m in awe of how all four of you live. All four of you are actively engaged at your churches; all four of you reach a multitude of generations; all four of you encourage your families in meaningful ways; all four of you love with Christ’s love.

The next four generations are blessed because of the life you all live, and the legacy you’ve worked hard to leave for us. And the evidence can be proven.

You have set the bar high, challenging me to work harder, love larger, and faithfully obey so that one day, my great grandkids will carry on the legacy you left in me.

You are loved beyond measure.

Love your grateful granddaughter.

Madison